Growing Up the Oldest

“Danielle! Can you help me with math?”

“Danielle! I need help with drawing!”

“Danielle! Turn on TV!”

These are a few of the many conversation starters my siblings approach me with. I can tell you now that it is not easy being the oldest child in a family of four. I became an older sister when I was 2 years old and everything changed. Sharing wasn’t easy but it soon became a normality. There have been many times I have wanted to pull my hair out from frustration and many times I simply love being the oldest sibling. My family and my role in the family, being the oldest child out of four, has made me a responsible, independent, and compassionate individual.

                                                          Surprise, You Have Responsibilities Now

    My first little sister was born two years after I was born and it was instant trouble. We fought like cats and dogs and wherever we went, hurricane Katrina would follow. We fought but when it came down to it, we always had each other’s backs. When I was nine years old and my sister was 7, my parents got a divorce. It was horrible at the time and I felt like my world I once knew was crashing down. I wanted to lash out and throw a fit by this, but I had a little sister I needed to be there for. Speaking to my sister about what was happening and being her rock was one of the most accomplishing experiences in my life. We had to speak to therapists and other social workers which stressed my sister out and she remained silent out of fear. I spoke for my sister and I in expressing what we wanted and such. Living with my mom was the final decision but we required to email our father for different reasons. My sister did not like to be caught in the middle and depended on me to speak to our parents. When we had to respond to our father’s emails, all of the work fell on me because I was the older sister. I wanted to give my sister the chance to have a normal life and not have to worry about the divorce and other attachments from the divorce. We had to have meetings with our parents and I spoke on behalf of my sister and I due to her stress. This taking of initiative is portrayed in “Previous studies, particularly in Norway, Denmark and the Netherlands have revealed that first born children are more likely to achieve higher qualifications but the new ISER research has found that this could be partially explained by the fact that they are statistically likely to be more ambitious than their younger brothers and sisters”(ScienceDaily). These studies are explained through observations of older siblings having to learn a higher extent of responsibility and determinism.  According to Alfred Adler’s Birth Order Theory, he believed the oldest would have a higher expectation given by parents and a higher sense of responsibility. As we grew older, my sister started becoming rebellious but we always worked things out and this strengthened our bond. Times like this made me learn what being a big sister is really about. Throughout  all of this, I learned how to be reliable and independent. Being the strong figure for my sister through this stressful time has molded me into a well communicating and responsible individual. I appreciate being the oldest because I love to help my siblings when they are having troubles.

                                                      Youngest Sister Feat. Ten Year Age Gap

Growing up in my tween years was hard enough with one little sister, now I was going to have another little sister. I vividly remember this being the awkward stage of my life, acne and social awkwardness were two of the many factors contributing to my middle school years. I was stressed with school and saw my second little sister as a bother rather than what is now a blessing. She is a whole decade younger than me and we had a huge difference in the way we grew up. Shown in a study, “If there is a gap larger than 6 years, you’re looking at two different generations. For instance, if you have a sibling that is spaced at least that far apart from you, think about the different things that the two of you discovered growing up—different music, technology, even world events”(Walcutt). My little sister comes home with different things she learned in school and has her own ipad while I had chalk and played hopscotch when I was her age. This age gap has made me adjust to what she is growing up with and relate to her on different levels. My sister came home from first grade one day and was very frustrated.

“What’s wrong?”

“My teacher wants me to play GiGi for math and I don’t know how!”

I was very surprised that my sister had to use the computer for her first grade math homework while I stuck to pencil and paper throughout elementary school and middle school. We both, very determined to beat the virtual penguin with mad math skills, bonded over the fact that I took the time to see what her generation was learning.  I helped her set up her account for the GiGi game and she continued to play math games on it every week. The article introduces a theorist named Frank Sulloway and his beliefs, “He wrote that the firstborns are more dominant, less open to new ideas, and more conscientious than later-born children” (Walcutt).  I will admit that I am the most old fashioned out of all my siblings but I am trying to be more versatile. In order to learn how to adapt and be able to speak to my sister on a level she can relate to,  I became more involved in the new things she learned from school and friends. This generation gap was also very apparent by the different television shows compared to back then and the different events happening throughout the world. Although our generations clashed, we found a way to incorporate all the different things in our times and share them with each other. My littlest sister and I expose different things from our time period to each other and it has made both of us more aware of how things have drastically changed. This has made me into a more open minded and understanding person and I have my second little sister to thank for that.

                                                                  Last But Definitely Not Least

As I was about to take on the feared by many, high school, my mother gave birth to a little boy. Being the oldest out of three girls, I thought I was prepared for it all but caring for my little brother was in a whole different ball park. Dr. Gilbert stated in the Bowen theory article, “marriages of an oldest and a youngest will tend toward overfunctioning / underfunctioning reciprocity”(Butterworth). I kept trying to keep my brother away from harmful situations and take care of him but he wrecked everything he encountered at the time. I felt that he wasn’t going to return the same care and affection I gave him even though I tried my hardest. My brother flipped the house upside down and destroyed everything he touched. Since he was the baby in the family, he was given the least discipline and ran around like a hooligan. What made it even more hard was the fact that my mother made me babysit him all the time. In an article on Bowen Theory of sibling positions, the youngest brother “can assume leadership easily”(Butterworth). My parents were more easy going on the only boy in the family and this allowed my brother to take control. His reign of destruction made me see him as a bother that tried to make life difficult. I now see that my thinking was ridiculous and very immature. He has mellowed out since then but he is still a rascal. I was distracted with trying to find my place in high school so dealing with my brother was more of a chore for me rather than a delightful experience. I became overwhelmed with my studies and my extracurricular activities so spending time with my brother was hard. I decided to make a change when I realized I barely knew anything about my own brother. I didn’t know what his favorite color, his favorite ice cream flavor, or even his favorite tv show was. The feeling of not being apart of his life scared me so I started to manage my time wisely. I balanced my school, social, and family life in a way that would allow me to spend time with my siblings. I now know my little brother like the back of my hand and I love spending time with him. I soon realized that he is actually a caring and funny kid. He extremely cares for his family and loves to help out everyone. I would have never known that if I continued to see him as a nuisance. He is very stubborn and causes trouble at times but guiding him on the right path is one of the most satisfying things to do because I know it will help him in the long run.  It’s frustrating at times but he has taught me patience and discipline. I realized that I have become a more patient and understanding individual because of my brother. He has given me characteristics that will help me in everyday life.

                                                                             Back to Present

Although being the oldest has its moments, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I enjoy being there for all of siblings and getting to know them all on a deeper level. I appreciate having all of my siblings in my life and hope to learn more about them as they learn more from me as well. As the oldest, I am trying to set a good example for my siblings and this motivates me to work hard everyday. I am grateful that my siblings and I have a supporting relationship. My brother and sisters have shaped me into the attentive, self-reliant, and capable individual I am today.

 Works Cited

Butterworth, I. (2015). Sibling Position in Bowen Theory. November 8. 2015. from http://www.isaacbutterworth.com/sibling-position-in-bowen-theory/

University of Essex, Social and Economic Research. (2014, May 2). Big sisters do better: New study of siblings finds eldest girls have the edge. ScienceDaily.November 13, 2015 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140502160429.htm

Walcutt, D. (2009). Birth Order and Personality. Psych Central. November 8. 2015. from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/07/22/birth-order-and-personality/